Monday, 4 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive July 09, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
July 09, 2008

GACK...... phew, im so tierd of saying 'im tierd' but yeah the deal with me and burn out, is that sooner or latter i just have to get back up and start working again.
as my dear friends and spiritual advisors miss crystal and miss lucretia always used to say 'girl, plenty of time for sleep when you are dead.'

***so yeah the gender queer playhouse crew set off for europride in sweden in just a couple of weeks....aaarrggh...yaaaay...aarrgh...yaaay.****

in the mean time i said i wanted to write some stuff about femme - so i will. tho this probably wont fit with anyone else's definition - but hell that AINT THE POINT.

not set in stone

over the years i've thought a lot about ways to feel RIGHT with myself and my body.
the closest descriptions i ever found that i could relate to (in emotional and physical  terms)were always about stone butches. (tho there were a few issues with dress sense)

lately ive found a few more people like me..... and i'd like to salute the wonderful femmes who said.

1. 'well honey exactly what part of the term 'cock identified femme' is it that you dont get'
2. 'oh thank god! i used to think i was the only one who felt this way and then i met you, btw have you tried testosterone?.'
3. 'yes well there are few of us who feel that the term 'woman' may not be inclusive enough'

*one a slightly different note*

the last year or so i've been thinking about stone.
its something ive been on a journey with, accepting that this is part of who i am.
What do I mean by stone? - untouchable, impenetrable, sometimes emotionally stone.

A lot of what Ive read about being stone seems to look at it as a 'problem' something that needs to be resolved or worked out….something that stems from a persons sense of insecurity either emotional or physical.

While I can certainly see that my coming to be stone had its roots in those things its not what it means for me now. being stone is a place of power, I feel strong as a stone top – it fits me well, its part of my identity.

ive realized how much of my sexual activity involves experiencing through what i make happen to other peoples bodies.  But at some point in the last year ive started to notice a desire to shift this, not all the time, but i wanted to feel less ambivalent about touch.... IF I CHOSE IT.

i keep hearing people say that sexuality and gender have nothing to do with each other....but for me this hasn't been so simple, because my sexuality and gender identity are so closely tied together. there is so much stuff that goes on in my mind that informs how i relate to my body/ and the way that i see my body affects how i relate to other people.

for me things are so intertwined that when i talk about my gender identity i have to talk about the things i do or dont like to do sexually....and thats where the hiccups have occured.

when one has had such a total and absolute physical boundary as being stone, well it guess a little tricky to negotiate. moving that one thing, even just a tiny bit and only within one relationship in my life has thrown up a whole lot of confusion!

im a stone femme top who most of the time doesnt have any relationship with thier cunt.
as far as im concerned it doesnt exist. i love my cock - which doesn't seem to visibly exist....
(and probably best not to mention it but im developing T-clit envy! *cough*)

just say i DID want to get fucked from time to time...then i HAVE to acknowledge my cunt exists. there are times when that has been really doing my head in.....that part of my body is  just NOT THERE...but thats pretty hard to keep believing if you are getting fucked.
(yes clearly there are of course other places to be fucked, but thats another chapter)

then within the experiment, the madness ramped to another level......because if i acknowledge i have a cunt.....then i started to worry that diminishing my relationship with my COCK? is my cock any less real? is my lover still seeing and acknowledging my I still seeing and acknowledging my cock. *cue days of quite insane panic and packing* yes....its been interesting. and like all of those old school stone butches who for sure once in a while liked to get fucked i find it very hard to admit - cos im such a fucken macho dick head in high heels and lipstick.

then, always...theres a pattern....whenever i venture out of being stone a returns... the need, the utter relaxation, the naturalness of wanting to close my body to others, to be intact, complete to myself. maybe this year ive learned a little bit about being flexible, but i still LOVE being stone.

ah well what ever anyone makes of that...i dont believe that im the only one anymore.

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