Sunday, 24 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive September 07, 2008, 08:41:53 PM

stone femme shoes archive
September 07, 2008, 08:41:53 PM

uh.....sitting at home contemplating 'the joy of airports' and staring at the contents of my suitcase - spilling out across the floor.

did i ever mention how much i HATE traveling? it goes, but yeah - whinge, moan, complain - even tho i haven't even left yet im already looking forward to getting home.  ::)

Beograd is one of those places that when i do get home, have the luxury of walking into my room and closing the door .....i sit down and go 'wow, *sigh* London is SO QUIET'

ive spent much of the day stuffing costumes, props, wigs, shoes, scripts, soundtracks into my bags and then wondering 'where the hell are my 'ordinary' clothes ???'

on the upside its rumored to be around 30 degrees and sunny in Beograd so YAY! SUMMER!

but uh - yeah an early morning flight  :( ain't looking forward to it, i feel LAZY, TIERD already - not the best stepping out mood for 3 weeks of working like a hell in crazy surroundings. 

days like today i have to give myself a GOOD HARD SLAP - cos i get to go and do what i LOVE, to be part of something really great. but yeah its been a BUSY year - this is my last big task and i sooooooo looking forward to being on the other side of it.

im hoping that as soon as i step out into the chaotic ZING that is Beograd that i will be back on track - up, and in a better mood....well hell, I BETTER BE!

Saturday, 23 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive September 03, 2008, 12:35:32 PM

stone femme shoes archive
September 03, 2008, 12:35:32 PM

Only a few more days before I fly to Serbia. :D

Im REALLY looking forward to seeing my friends, I miss them A LOT.
Im already nervous and dreading the volatile collective arguments…but as one of my friends said ‘best to accept that this will happen as a certainty and just know that…of course this always happens'. so yippee...more yelling.  ::)

Im still writing the scripts (or not writing as the case maybe) and im still short of a performer – but fuck it – I will do the bloody thing myself if I have to. dresses up in best 'gay man' drag

Slowly reaching that point where worry, stress, ....whatever....
– the craziness will take over and we will just be IN IT – DOING IT.

So much good stuff seems to be happening at the moment,
The Turkish group KAOS-GL publish a large article about us online this week with another version coming out in their hard copy magazine later this month.
…….maybe….just maybe...... we will take the ‘border fuckers’ cabaret to turkey!!!

For the festival itself im so happy with what we have put together,
Within our theme of ‘direct action’ we have our opening night cabaret, bands, parties…..but also a gathering of anti-fa groups from around the region with people attending from Russian, Belarus and turkey – its so fucking good to be able to invite people to come to the festival from places where Beograd looks luxurious and easy in comparison!

and host some closed “queers of colour’ meetings – one for Roma only, the other open to all queers of colour – its very good that we have an opportunity to provide space for this – issues of race are so often raised in queer spaces – yet so seldom really addressed.

Theres also the likelihood that there will be another small more ‘closed group’ talk for people wanting to come from wider Europe to explore surgery options for transition in Serbia.

In the four years we have been working together as a group we have come a LONG WAY.
I feel proud.

On the not so good side of things I got this information today

yesterday m got a call from a journalist from the free daily newspaper, who was asking around about the festival.. and even though m explained that we do not communicate with media until after the festival, and that any articles could affect our own and participants safety, the stupid idiot published the text..
not only that - it was on the front page!

in short, the headline is: "The 5th clandestine gay festival from 18-21st September"
its not homophobic, but very much sensationalist and stupid.. they published our web site address and most of the info they took from the web site..
for now, we expect that tabloids also write about it in next days, so for now, we send emails to LGBT lists and individual activists not to respond to possible calls from media.

hopefully by next week it will be old news

does anyone have any more ideas on how to react on this?"

this is really the first time we have been 'outed' by the media - in the past we have worked very hard to keep things underground - to carefully choose our public moments so as not to set ourselves up for violence. its funny in a way because this year our confidence has grown so much that we are considering some more 'direct action' style public events.....
but where we get to plan properly in advance, organize so we come out on top.

so ive said before the idea of fascists frightens me...but hell...thats life.

i guess i'd better pack practical shoes  ;)

Friday, 22 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive August 28, 2008, 09:41:29 PM

stone femme shoes archive
August 28, 2008, 09:41:29 PM

strangely........while spending a lot of time  working to have inclusive spaces, not nessecarily identifying with the label 'woman' and reading reading reading about 'post human' stuff i seem to have written a script that i can only describe as very 'second wave' ..uh weird

and theres the thing i have my roots in that sort of feminism, the eighties - yeah i was there - and women only spaces, the whole woman identified thing was pretty important to me at the time. altho it was also something that also sowed the roots of dissent for me. as much as i loved the feeling of safety i found in womens spaces i also found they excluded ME - because i was femme, because i had relationships with men, because i wasn't happy to live according to the sisterhood and all its very arbitrary rules. i dont want to live according to dogma.

when im in serbia i find i have even LESS visibility as a gender queer femme than i have in london. i spend loads of time outing myself to people and having to explain who i am just so i have some sort of context to live in. second wave is alive and kicking in that part of the world. many schisms have occured between our queer movement and the traditional feminists....but i have friends who i respect within that feminist movement and i want to maintain those links, not take part in a continual fragmenting of movements.

i value the work done by women who have that politics, the womens centres, the crisis lines, the shelters, the education programmes - so much pioneering work to be proud of!

the script i have just written is about womens stories during the war, (bosnia and kosovo) particularly the under stories of women exchanging information and building solidarity through the 'womens' practice of talking, maintaining communication. and my performer for this script is a women who works in the crisis centre that originally was so much a part of the anti war effort and worked to set up rape crisis centres in solidarity with bosnian women.

there are some points made about partriarchy and its part in wars.......

and always it is the difficulty of how to name real problems, real links between nationalism, patriarchy and militarism and how NOT to fall into the easy way of saying 'oh this is a mens issue'. because i also know that it is about a culture, a way of behaving, an indoctrination a nationalist war machine....that many people fought against.

so much of our focus as a collective in beograd is to build an open and inclusive space where we can ALL be together and have some NEW freedom to be ourselves.

how to acknowledge what exists, and yet to move forwards. most often it appears that in order to move forward we have to go back to the roots and pull all this mess apart, over and over again.

.....the other thing is i dont know how the hell to make this  funny, - yes i managed to make the story about the srebrenica massacre contain funny elements - but this - jesus - i just dont know. PHEW.........fucking politics aye. ::)

Thursday, 21 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive August 27, 2008, 02:02:23 PM

stone femme shoes archive
August 27, 2008, 02:02:23 PM

well this might all seem a little melodramatic - but what the fuck - its where im at.

eggshells......its only 2 weeks till i go to beograd and im starting to feel if i am walking on eggshells

its always hard to tell what the situation will be in beograd but i am worried.
thats nothing new, the whole time ive been going there ive been scared, sometimes crazy scared - worried about walking in the streets - ruled by my own fears of 'what if'.
other times just scared in a more abstract sense, of what the fuck might be happening with the country and its politics this time.

so yeah the various worries i have had at one time or another: that some homophobe will beat me for being gay, that some homophobe will beat my lover for being gay, that we will fail to pass as a straight couple and be beaten for being gay, that tension between serbia and kosovo will spill over and another war will start, that anti western feeling will spill over and another war will start, that my friends will be hurt for any of those reasons, that my friends are stressed out for all of those reasons and i worry for their mental state, that my friends will be hurt because of the colour of their skin/nationality/accent...being different.

and i dont want to be a drama queen, yes there are worse places in the world, much more dangerous and risky situations - but this IS the one that i work in. i have chosen to be part of and keep working with 'queer beograd' collective in serbia. and as i said before - its so hard to tell what the situation will be.

believe me i LOVE the anti climax when there is NO violence...i have no problem with that aspect of a quiet life.

so for this particular festival one of the topics we approach is anti facism - following on from a bit of a falling out on an antifascist demo last year over the issue of homophobia - we have made it our focus to try and BUILD links with the antifascist movement, to strengthen that connection so we can stand together.

today a friend advised me that maybe we should not be publicising the topic 'antifascism' on our web this might make us a target. this kind of stuff makes me feel sick - i want to carry on getting away with it, i DONT want to have a face to face confrontation with guys who are bigger than me, who want to beat me or destroy our gathering....that thought terrifies me.

i keep thinking of my friend who used to dream of fascists every night when the festival was happening. i dont want to be afraid, i dont know how not to be afraid.

and then on the other hand i have some other story going on - quite different, personal - but limiting in its own way. i have been having the hardest time motivating myself to write the shows for the opening night of our festival. procrastination - endless hours of NOT doing the thing that i love the most....
and as i look underneath this writers block i find my own self destruction - those horrible internal voices that tell me 'shut up you have nothing to say' or 'shut up everyone will hate what you have to say anyway' or 'dont bother, what you do means NOTHING'....and worst of all recognizing a part of myself that wants only my own destruction - the part of myself that cannot see that i have a right to be who i am, to carry on creating the person who i believe i am.

some how this external force and this internal force must balance and serve to work each other out. because surely i write and live the way i do as an act of survival, those fucking bastards/the haters who do not want my type of person to exist, in their own way serve to keep me alive...... because i am one of those people so self destructive that i need to fight an outside force to keep my feet on the planet.

so yes - just for today - i will win against fear......and i will carry on writing.

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive August 19, 2008, 08:57:53 PM

stone femme shoes archive
August 19, 2008, 08:57:53 PM

hmmm....writing is not going very fast at the moment - well not the creative stuff anyway, tho yesterday i edited down a 8,000 word interveiw that tom cruise and i did for the turkish LGBT mag Kaos GL to just over 4,000 words so we can use it in the queer beograd book and picked the photos from transfab for the book. today i rewrote the intro for the section on trans stuff and also rewrote two short pieces describing the performances we do. *ahem* all of this while at 'the day job' YIKES wonder i always look busy while at work.  :-\

and ive been thinking of the two particular people that refers to.....both of whom taught me so much about being a woman*.

that may seem strange but my family upbringing taught me a lot of weird things about being a girl...mostly stuff based on being dependent on some one else for income/safety/anything it wasnt until i met Crystal and Lucretia that i was introduced to the idea of behaving with FIERCE dignity, being unafraid and unashamed of my sexuality and getting out there and 'FLAUNTING IT GIRRRRL'

these girls were TOUGH, but in the way of having pride in who they were, carrying on being fabulous despite physical threats, verbal abuse, dirty looks, all the shit of being out in public in a small town....

Crystal especially always carried  herself like a queen - over 6' tall and at least 20 stone she was an imposing figure. i can still remember her oft repeated words 'honey, dont ever mess with a drag queen'  from her i learned to walk tall and if anyone had anything to say to me turn and look them in the eye....

Lucretia was a slightly different kind of girl - i remember celebrating with her when late in life she decided to begin transition. sitting the kitchen table one day we were talking about learning to feel good about ourselves. of breaking the habit of low self esteem and not appreciating our own looks. i was talking about looking back at pictures of myself in my early 20's seeing that i was pretty! which was SO different from how i felt about myself at the time. she was talking about looking at pictures of herself as a young guy, thinking 'hmmm, not bad, i could fancy him' we both never appreciated what we had at the time. from that point on i swore to always find some way to feel good about my stop listening to the mental shite that told me anything else.

i would sit with them as they sewed sequins and feathers onto elaborate costumes for hours at a time, we would do 'girly' stuff together, enjoying dressing up, being glam, from them i learned it was ok to be LOUDER and more full on....because growing up i had always been taught to tone it down.

we would talk about relationships, the pleasure and pain of romance....talking about men one time Lucretia said 'bloody hell sweets think i used to be one!'

one night when i was broken hearted after another disastrous romance i went to Lucretia for help.....and she did the greatest thing for me of all....she handed me a camera, a beautiful 6x4 meduim format SLR pentax. a talented photographer herself she knew that the best thing, the only thing she could really do for me was push me towards creating something for myself.

that night i went home and for the first time ever consciously dressed in drag...more make up that i would ever wear in public, an outfit that felt risque at the time, shiny gold shoes, my hair slicked down....the pictures were titled 'tonight i feel like a drag queen'.
thats when i began to be Femme.

*A term I have a complex relationship with.

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive August 11, 2008, 08:11:58 PM

stone femme shoes archive
August 11, 2008, 08:11:58 PM

Today i booked my flight to in a few weeks i will be setting off again to Serbia for our little QueerBeograd festival.

in the meantime ive been starting work on a few of the things that need to be done -

every year we make a book that contains transcripts of the political discussions we hold as part of the festival. last year the panel discussion of sex work fell into a million confusing and horrible pieces midway through  :-\ it was one of those nightmare facilitation moments - i had stepped in at the last minute because the person supposed to be facilitating was ill.
i turned to the next speakers ....and through an interpreter asked 'so do you want to share your story' which the person replied 'well actually we're not sex workers, perhaps there has been a mistake.

i have to say at that point the world kinda FROZE for me..... its the kind of fuck up that makes you want to just disappear through the floor but i had to think of something FAST just to get us through to the other side ...
it was very hard to tell what the situation was: perhaps the person who invited them to the panel had completely stuffed up, perhaps they had at the last minute decided they were not comfortable with being 'out' (the speaker prior to them had just been talking about how there are no sex workers speaking publically in serbia as advocates for workers rights because of issues with safety) perhaps we had been totally off the mark .......anyway it was BAD.

...some how in yet another disaster the sound technician didn't record the very fruitful - energetic - argumentative - debate that wound up the discussion....with some of the audience choosing to out themselves as sex workers and speaking very articulately on the political necessities and realities of sex worker rights.

and now im trying to stitch the whole debacle together into something readable that makes political sense! and doesn't make us look like complete and utter bastards.

*ponders, ponders some more* for the moment im drawing a blank on that one. ::)

im also starting to think about writing the shows/finding performers for our opening night.
im so happy that our berlin guy who came to transfabulous will join us in beograd and do his  show again. my friend in amsterdam will also come to beograd and and we are chatting about his long history as a no borders/human rights activist - tho i want to see him perform whatever we come up with in character as the handsome rockabilly gay boy he is.

i finally want to write a story that made a strong impression on me when i first went to beograd - of the cooperation between women in serbia and bosnia during the war.
while i was visiting the autonomous womens centre - a kind of crisis centre dealing with rape and domestic violence against women - one of the women there told me about how the first rape crisis centres were set up in bosnia with the help of  women in serbia. the women were only able to communicate over the phone. women in serbia  had been trained in workshops in amsterdam, and passed on their knowledge to the women in bosnia who were trying to deal with the many cases of rape resulting from the war. its such a beautiful and powerful story. and im pleased to have one of the women who works in the centre agree to perform the i just have to write it.

funny how hard it is to start sometimes....i dont know what it is i wait for, im always a little tierd, anxious, afraid that the words wont do justice to the story, that it wont 'come'.
but yes how can i NOT tell such a story...its such a privilege.

Saturday, 9 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive August 07, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
August 07, 2008


its happening, ive started to meet more gender queer femmes!!!!
i wrote in an earlier post about meeting some one and them saying 'before i met you i thought i was the only one' well now im meeting more and more people. its crazy cos it feels like we have all been having this similar experience of being who we are, kinda struggling with that, wondering if we are totally crazy but just doing it anyway...

and then oops - bump - 'hello! wow!'re like me!!'.

it means so much to be able to say to another person 'yes i know what you are talking about' to recognize that look on another persons face when they talk about femme...the anticipation of pissed off or dismissive looks from other people.....except this time - its recognition, acceptance, interest and excitement!


im still pinching myself wondering if this is real and ive made contact with something like a DOZEN femmes who are walking the wire, doing some pretty wild and different takes on gender ...this is like a dream...feels like the beggining of a very happy and FUCKED UP fairy story. YAY!!

Friday, 8 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive August 05, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
August 05, 2008 was AMAZING!!!!!

exhausting, crazy, emotional...but so much FUN. and part of what made it that way is because the gender queer playhouse crew are so good to each other - there doesn't seem to be much in the way of yelling, bitching or competition...unlike many back stages...on this tour everyone is polite, caring and supporting each other.

i like traveling with other people who know the way! it makes me less anxious about some how missing the flight/being abducted by aliens/being arrested for carrying an illegal quantities of hair products.

wednesday: so.......go into stockholm late afternoon after a hideous 5am start *shudder* went straight to a crew meeting to discuss the plan for the next few days - during which i mostly concentrated on staying in my chair and not toppling over sideways.
then went to rehearse for fridays show as miss dotty and i were trying out new material....which consisted of a lot of me saying 'so then i do this but with a LOT more energy...and i promise i will learn my lines by then'

thursday: morning crew meeting, then jog to our first talk...a short break in which i desperately try to learn my lines, then we jog to our next talk, then straight on to sound check. a short fight with the sound technician who suggests i am going to tape the radio mic to my face with a large piece of white sticking plaster - which makes me look like im posing for one of those gangster albums  ::) (well apart from the long blonde wig and the tonne of make up) -i refuse his suggestion......then totter off to hang around back stage (more desperate learning of lines) till its SHOW TIME.
i think we are all a bit nervous as to what the swedish audience will make of us, but they are fantastic - they laugh (in the right places), the applaud, they cheer.....and during the last show they cry!

friday: stagger painfully to the morning crew meeting, go and sit in on the first talk, jog to the next talk and do a quick dance rehearsal during sound check (the only dance rehearsal) - then adlib and bullshit our way through the show...which seems to go ok -
'sexual positions for a politically correct revolution' featuring indecency and violence ;D
some one mentions afterwards that they can feel the people next to them alternating between flinching and laughing.
then.....we run to sound check for the club night.........
where it seems our plans for the evening have gone a little awry as the club has a rule of 'no naked female nipples' (cue massive debate amoung the crew as to what constitutes a 'female' nipple) and no food to be eaten off skin. being the compliant, adult, non-rebellious people that we are we spend the rest of the sound check devising a short show that breaks these rules as many times and in as many different ways as possible!
so the whatever show is full of strap ons, bare flesh, NIPPLES of all genders taped and untaped, food substances on naked skin, whipped cream licked off of latex breasts.
..........goes down a storm with the crowd and i had a great time.

saturday its pride - and of course it pisses down with rain, still its nice to be part of such a big parade. then its the after party - just the crew and friends, im expecting a quiet one - but after so much tension, hard work and a lack of sleep everyone goes mad! after a particulary revolting story the entire room gets a fit of the gigles that has us all laughing and crying hysterically for about 15 minutes (no drugs involved) people keep walking into the room  - looking freaked out and leaving quickly, then there is the belly fight, people leaping bellies exposed across the room to collide mid jump and....fiercest of all...the femme arm wrestling competition - where the competitors have to arm wrestle and apply lipstick to their opponent at the same time.....i witnessed the co-chairs of FTM london in a terrible display of underhand fighting....the lowest move of all....smearing lipstick on your opponents glasses!

sunday....lots of bleak staggering around, buying emergency gifts at the airport, getting on a plane and staggering off the other side.

so that was stockholm  ;D ;D ;D

im going to take a bit of time off this week, then its time to start writing and preparing to go to  beograd.  :P

Thursday, 7 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive July 28, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
July 28, 2008,

Ive just snuck out from work for a few minutes to run through my lines as I have the usual pre-show terror - that I will somehow forget who I am/ fluff my lines/knacker my show.  But part from my usual HATRED of packing (suitcases) and getting up early to hang about in airports, im really excited about going to Stockholm. :D

I mean the idea is just so nice. Im used to travelling to places where I look over my shoulder for (insert disturbing factor here).fascists, secret police, not so secret DRUNK police, general homophobes, ordinary common or garden nationalists that sort of thing. So yeah SWEDEN.

YAY!!! We are doing the Gender Queer PlayHouse at europride, ;D
I like working with that crewits so much more relaxed and easier than any other group ive ever worked with. I wonder what the hell people will make of us in stockholm.

Meanwhile in Beograd plans are underway for our next festival  its only 6 weeks half and half in my desire to get back to Serbia. I miss my friends, I miss the political work we do, im keen to get on with new shows, but its weird sometimes living with one foot in another country. Guess thats just the way it iscos short of getting rich (on what?) .i cant see any other way to do this.

Hmmmm, for some one who likes staying at home I sure do seem to get around a lot. ::)

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive July 17, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
July 17, 2008,

today has been such a nice day  :) , i haven't really got up as such - apart from going out to dinner late in the day. so its been the luxury of just hanging out, fooling around, talking, eating chocolate....

there is always the chance of weirdness tho even in the 'safety' of ones own home.......on one of my trips to the kitchen to make a cup of tea - wearing only a dressing gown and smug expression - i run into our house guest.

she strikes up a conversation.....'well...i was just some point, feel free to say no... if you could talk to me about 'transexualism'.

i reply ' um , yeah sure ...i guess so'

she continues: 'well yes i'd like to have a DEBATE with you, because i'm sure we have very different veiws'
me: a debate??
her: 'yes you see because i have a few issues with the whole thing because im looking at it from a feminist perspective'
me ' really? (laughs) on the grounds of feminism? thats  BIZZARE (another slightly maniacal laugh).

i quickly slope off back to my den of iniquity (other wise know as the bedroom)
and relay the conversation to the boy......

'its all that typical motherfucking shit about trans and feminism! I'M a fucking feminist for christs sake!! how the fuck are we supposed to deal with these people!?'

he mutters 'hmmm...yes second wave feminists'

we have a long conversation about HOW to approach this stuff with some one who thinks in such a different way/lives in a different world from us.....the odd FACT that even tho we are sharing the same house with this person for a few days we obviously live on different PLANETS.

laughing i say 'so i guess i shouldn't really mention the stuff about gender queer femme then'
mr boy " erm think that might be too many steps down the track for her, start with the basics.'

i tell ya sometimes nipping out to get another biscuit to go with your cup of tea can be a health HAZARD!!!!

i'm semi looking forward to this 'debate', its been a while since i have been able to go savage with theory on anyone *evil grin*  ;D

Tuesday, 5 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive July 15, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
July 15, 2008

ive got another script cut up across my floor, shifting the bits around, ducking and diving with the sellotape, playing jig saw puzzles with a story.

i feel so GRACEFUL lately...and i dont mean im swanning around elegantly  - just i have a feeling of being part of some amazing process. lthe last few days after weeks of feeling shitty, exhausted and LOW, life has just picked me up and everything is feeling ALLRIGHT  ;D

so yeah - got a story on the floor and it always makes me happy to be writing. its such a mysterious process...i can never quite figure how listening to people, then sitting around and doing nothing (except waiting for my brain to figure it out) eventually results in a script getting spat out at the end of it.

ive been meditating for the first time in ages lately WOAW...craziness.
its turned into a wild journey - meeting my own death/my fear of death in a visualization.
its funny i never used to have a fear of death at all, ive spent so much of my life speeding towards it on a self destruct mission.
now that ive calmed down (yes this is the conservative reasonable me) ive figured out ive developed a fear of dying and also as im getting older! some grief around losing youth.
thats kinda cool maybe i respect my life!

the other thing ive been bouncing around about this week is finding another gender queer femme. it happened so by chance - just one of those things that gets mentioned and i followed up on. sometimes with the whole gender thing i start to feel as if i don't exist, i meet so few other people who are like me or who will even believe or acknowledge my experience as being real.
sometimes i get the feeling that i dont have the strength just to be who i am ...i start thinking i should just TRY HARDER to fit in and be something people would understand.

so yeah.....this week i found some one who is femme and doesn't necessarily relate to defining herself as female  ;D ;D ;D just hearing that makes me so happy.....
i cant explain just EXCITED about some one else said 'its like finding another strange bird in the rain forest and being happy because then at least you know there is more than one'

life is good

yipeeee!!!  ;D

Monday, 4 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive July 09, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
July 09, 2008

GACK...... phew, im so tierd of saying 'im tierd' but yeah the deal with me and burn out, is that sooner or latter i just have to get back up and start working again.
as my dear friends and spiritual advisors miss crystal and miss lucretia always used to say 'girl, plenty of time for sleep when you are dead.'

***so yeah the gender queer playhouse crew set off for europride in sweden in just a couple of weeks....aaarrggh...yaaaay...aarrgh...yaaay.****

in the mean time i said i wanted to write some stuff about femme - so i will. tho this probably wont fit with anyone else's definition - but hell that AINT THE POINT.

not set in stone

over the years i've thought a lot about ways to feel RIGHT with myself and my body.
the closest descriptions i ever found that i could relate to (in emotional and physical  terms)were always about stone butches. (tho there were a few issues with dress sense)

lately ive found a few more people like me..... and i'd like to salute the wonderful femmes who said.

1. 'well honey exactly what part of the term 'cock identified femme' is it that you dont get'
2. 'oh thank god! i used to think i was the only one who felt this way and then i met you, btw have you tried testosterone?.'
3. 'yes well there are few of us who feel that the term 'woman' may not be inclusive enough'

*one a slightly different note*

the last year or so i've been thinking about stone.
its something ive been on a journey with, accepting that this is part of who i am.
What do I mean by stone? - untouchable, impenetrable, sometimes emotionally stone.

A lot of what Ive read about being stone seems to look at it as a 'problem' something that needs to be resolved or worked out….something that stems from a persons sense of insecurity either emotional or physical.

While I can certainly see that my coming to be stone had its roots in those things its not what it means for me now. being stone is a place of power, I feel strong as a stone top – it fits me well, its part of my identity.

ive realized how much of my sexual activity involves experiencing through what i make happen to other peoples bodies.  But at some point in the last year ive started to notice a desire to shift this, not all the time, but i wanted to feel less ambivalent about touch.... IF I CHOSE IT.

i keep hearing people say that sexuality and gender have nothing to do with each other....but for me this hasn't been so simple, because my sexuality and gender identity are so closely tied together. there is so much stuff that goes on in my mind that informs how i relate to my body/ and the way that i see my body affects how i relate to other people.

for me things are so intertwined that when i talk about my gender identity i have to talk about the things i do or dont like to do sexually....and thats where the hiccups have occured.

when one has had such a total and absolute physical boundary as being stone, well it guess a little tricky to negotiate. moving that one thing, even just a tiny bit and only within one relationship in my life has thrown up a whole lot of confusion!

im a stone femme top who most of the time doesnt have any relationship with thier cunt.
as far as im concerned it doesnt exist. i love my cock - which doesn't seem to visibly exist....
(and probably best not to mention it but im developing T-clit envy! *cough*)

just say i DID want to get fucked from time to time...then i HAVE to acknowledge my cunt exists. there are times when that has been really doing my head in.....that part of my body is  just NOT THERE...but thats pretty hard to keep believing if you are getting fucked.
(yes clearly there are of course other places to be fucked, but thats another chapter)

then within the experiment, the madness ramped to another level......because if i acknowledge i have a cunt.....then i started to worry that diminishing my relationship with my COCK? is my cock any less real? is my lover still seeing and acknowledging my I still seeing and acknowledging my cock. *cue days of quite insane panic and packing* yes....its been interesting. and like all of those old school stone butches who for sure once in a while liked to get fucked i find it very hard to admit - cos im such a fucken macho dick head in high heels and lipstick.

then, always...theres a pattern....whenever i venture out of being stone a returns... the need, the utter relaxation, the naturalness of wanting to close my body to others, to be intact, complete to myself. maybe this year ive learned a little bit about being flexible, but i still LOVE being stone.

ah well what ever anyone makes of that...i dont believe that im the only one anymore.

Sunday, 3 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 29, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
June 29, 2008,

wooooo...just stepped back into the glitz and glamour- two and half foot square dressing room, shared by FOURTEEN performers that doubles as a store room for the kitchen-
that is SHOWBIZ.

did a short set at a charity fund raiser tonight.

ive been giving myself a bit of a hard time all weekend telling myself how 'lazy' and 'irresponsible' i am cos i chose to spend my time off doing acrobatics *cough* with xxx ...having FUN rather than learning my lines....yeah....time out is a bit of a weird one for me - i get so GUILTY - i swear i should have been raised catholic.

anyhow for the gig in preference to knowing the words, i chose the tactic of wearing an incredibly short skirt, a small truck load of make up and very glittery shoes and it all seemed to go ok. the heckler at the beginning of my set really helped me out by reviving my inner VICIOUS BITCH...and it seemed to flow on through the rest of the set just fine from there on. i may have been dressed like a cute little girl - but yes that WAS irony.

so ...a bit more cash raised for people living with HIV, and a bit more 'just getting out there and giving it a shot' for me.

weird weird weird point of the evening was arriving at the venue and finding loads of the other performers were high it was COOL and odd as i realiZed i hardly EVER have that experience of being surrounded by other bent grrrrls who look, talk and dress like me.

with this diary- now that the whole transfab show is over- i think i might spend a bit more time in here harping on about gender - how i feel about that stuff. cos im not just on this board as a 'transfriendly' person i have my own 'issues' around gender. so maybe ...just maybe i will put a bit of time into ranting about being a gender queer femme, stuff that i dont feel so sure about posting in the wider boards but for sure i think about A LOT.

will see how it goes. ... ;)

Friday, 1 July 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 23, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
June 23, 2008,

What goes up……..must come down

Phew, the last week I have had what probably qualifies as one of the worst cases of ‘top drop’ ever. After the Sunday night show at transfab ive been ILL, depressed…lying in bed a lot of the time and wondering what the hell to do with myself.

In some ways im glad ive been here before, ive worked on projects before where at the end of it its like falling off the edge of the earth. So ive been spending a fair bit of time thinking ‘what the hell am I going to do next’ and feeling EXHAUSTED.

Ive also been realizing how much of my life and time has been dedicated to this over the last couple of months, driving everyone around me MAD by endlessly talking scripts, visa requirements and funding applications.

But at the end of the day I can still look back at that night – how amazing it was to hear people on stage, how much I love the transfab audience, and how my best mate who I co presented the show with has said this was one of the best nights of their life.
I got a mail from one of the performers today saying how they are back at work in a human rights organization in Beograd – how some how everything is the same except they are ‘shiny happy’ because of this experience.

I keep looking at the pics and smiling cos I think we did something GRAND ;D