Thursday, 30 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 17, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
June 17, 2008,

im still alternating between tottering around the house, then falling over and sleeping a bit more. EXHAUSTED.

but i keep remembering the look on my crews faces when they heard the transfab audience, i loved listening to peoples performances lift in response to the energy that the crowd was giving them.  standing back stage during andjela and josephines performance i started to cry cos i know how fantastic they looked during rehearsals, how much it meant particularly to andjela to be doing this....and i was JUST SO HAPPY knowing that she was out there probably grinning her head off while dancing.

i think being at transfabulous has given all of us a store of energy, something that will help us to keep going -  this meant so much to the whole crew.....they were completely stunned by being so loved and supported.


and im just so fucking pleased the whole thing came together....phew!

trying to just take it easy this week and slowly start working on the next i dont fall off the planet.


Trans Europe Express

Wednesday, 29 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive Post by: Jason Elvis Barker on June 17, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
Post by: Jason Elvis Barker on June 17, 2008,

and of course, it was absolutely fucking wonderful.  I've had nothing but excellent feedback on the whole show.  Someone wrote saying that he would have cried his eyes out but the testosterone doesn't let him do that anymore. 

The hairs stand up on the back of my neck when I think of Sunday night. 

I thought Maja's show was outstanding, and D's of course.  Andjela and Josephine make me want to burst in two with pride when I think of them up there dancing.  And Milan was hilarious!  The whole thing was such an experience that I felt so lucky to have been there in the audience. 

I was so proud of everyone and also of Transfabulous.  I mean, when you are working on something and you are spending every evening hunched over a speadsheet wishing you weren't, it's easy to lose track of exactly why we do this stuff.  Sunday night was like "ahh.  THIS is what it's all about" 

Thank you again Jet for all your's and the rest of the gang's hard work.

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 15, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
 June 15, 2008


its today....that show thingy


im starting to be excited about being on stage - cos its reached that point of 'no return' where i can be as nervous as i like but i still have to get out there and pull the cat out of the bag (is that even a real expression?)

ive worked fucking hard
my crew have worked so damn hard, im really proud of them.

now just the sound,tech,lighting rehearsals (bleugh) and we are ON.



Monday, 27 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 14, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
June 14, 2008

argh argh argh......

everything seems to be going ok, i keep having miss dotty check the lists of 'things to do' and wondering 'HELL...what have i forgotten' (nothing, i hope!)

yesterdays diva highlight was when my most interestingly emotionally adjusted performer turned to me and said ....'you know what, i've been looking at my costume, its arrived all fine and everything...but i was wondering...could it be ironed??' *at which point they gave ME a very meaningful stare* YEP they really expected me to iron thier clothes. crrrrrikey!!!
i had miss dotty take a note to receive a slap in their stead at a later date.

i am worried about my late arrival crew member tho...he came from beograd yesterday...but im really not sure if im going to be able to get this guy to the stage.
he is very shy and last night had tears in his eyes... telling me 'people don't want to hear this stuff...this is too much truth for people' - meaning - his story!   :(
its moments like these i see what an utter f*cking b*stard i am pushing people to get out on stage and show themselves in such a vulnerable way.  :-\  but yeah  i have rehearsals with him today and im going to push to make that happen. because i believe people DO want to hear each others stories...that we need each others stories.

Sunday, 26 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 12, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
June 12, 2008

*still have the theme tune to hawaii 5-0 in my head*

phew.....10 hours of back to back reheasals and my head hurts.
everyone was so fantastic why is it the one BITCH of a rehearsal that sticks in my head? seriously this person made me wish it was acceptable just to give them a was a display of the most 'diva' like behavior that made me dream of using 'stingy' rather than 'thud' in encouraging a better attitude. .
grrrrr  >:( now.......

wow TOMMORROW THE FESTIVAL STARTS woohooo....our last performer from serbia arrives ..... and i cant wait to see what the beograd crew make of the whole 'transfab' experience.


i feel i may have to buy myself a particularly trashy pair of shoes to celebrate  ;D

Saturday, 25 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 11, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
June 11, 2008

yesterday most of the serbian crew arrived, picking them up from the airport was an emotional experience. ive been going to serbia for years, but somehow none of us ever thought we would be hanging out in london together, let alone doing the closing night show for a transgender festival!! craziness.

of course a visit to bar wotever is a MUST as part of the 'queer highlights of london' tour. as always it was lovely, lovely, thing i noticed was that A the transwoman in our group let her hair down...literally....i really think thats something to do with feeling comfortable and safe to present as she wants rather than playing it 'safe' with an ambiguous look.
the crew settled in and made themselves right at home...and of course everyone there made them feel super welcome...cos thats the sort of place BW is!
as we were leaving my best mate from beograd said to me...' i like this place, it has a COSY feel'

we start rehearsals today, i wonder if anyone has learned their lines? feeling much better (wouldnt exactly call it relaxed) now that my crew are here....they are so EXCITED...yesterday they took a short walk from bethnal green to bank! to 'just have a look around'. crikey..i would never do that so yeah im catching a bit of their enthusiasm and hell we have all done this stuff together before. except usually instead of doing a show for a bunch of lovely supportive queers we are usually working with hostile police, a crazily homophobic society and fascists....and our own belgrade lovely queers.

*i have the soundtrack to 'hawaii 5-0' stuck in my head
*yesterday i almost had a heart attack cos i sent some one to pick up the berlin guy from the train station.....and he didnt arrive (*ahem* he isnt coming till today)
*i have a costume! um....well sort of...i have a sparkly bit of material and a heap of glittery things on a string lying in a heap on my bedroom floor...ive decided to attempt an 'IMPROVISATIONAL' sewing i know how to sew?? HA! what has that got to do with anything!?

the show must go on!
 ;) ;D

Friday, 24 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 09, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
June 09, 2008


tierd tierd tierd

yesterday spent a lovely day with miss dotty acting as my able secretary.
taking notes, typing correspondence, creating worksheets for all the technical stuff, consulting on creative details and BEING THERE as a support.
PHEW....what would i do with out the wonderful people around me?? it makes so much difference!

both of us were so incredibly tierd that the day degenerated into crying hysterical laughter,
measuring another performer for their costume - converting cm into inches the conversation went something like this.

ok so thats... x cm......oh then thats 44 inches bitches *hysterical laughter*
....and the waist is... x thats yes 33 inches bitches *more hysterical laughter, tears*.....with glaring from the person we are measuring
inside leg? x yes that converts to 29 inches bitches *hysterical laughing, tears.*..and the plea 'girls please get some sleep!' from our victim
and around the arse?... xcm....yes its 39 1/2 inches bitches *complete hysyteria, gales of laughter*...grim sigh from the person being measured

yes i KNOW its NOT funny...but it just goes to show what kind of state we were in.

today miss dotty and i will go another round with performance admin and intrepid explorers that we are venture out onto the high st costume shopping!

tomorrow most of the performers arrive!!!!!!! 5 of my friends from serbia and the guy i have never met from berlin!!!! im hoping that once the people arrive i will start to get more excited....cos im hoping THEY will be happy and excited. i just SO MUCH want them to have a great time at transfabulous!

but im so damn nervous about EVERYTHING.

terror doesn't quite sum it this point i cant even tell if i've made some tragic mistake and am about to present the worst show of my life... but then again the fact that im thinking this and contemplating what sort of horrible depressive decline i might plunge into after the show crashes, rolls five times and then bursts into flames...when everyone is talking about how BAD it was... shows that everything is COMPLETELY NORMAL. ::)

ah well things to do...........

Thursday, 23 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 03, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
June 03, 2008, 

Ive been struck lately by the weirdness of communication. My most frequent response to all current disasters, annoyance and swerves in ‘the plan’ is to say – ‘oh how interesting’

In my current zen/riding the wave/fiddling while rome burns state
I am engaging my ‘neutral observer’…either this means that im learning some more relaxed communication skills or ive just gone barking mad and plunged off into some sort of ‘sensitive new age/psychobable’ denial.

In the past (some would say not that long ago) ive had a tendency to be some what volatile – annoyed to YELL in less than 10 seconds… but when working with knicker all money and having good will as pretty much the only motivating factor for people to be involved – being an arrogant argumentative bastard is not the most productive option.

Latey I find myself looking back at past ‘disasters’ that are now ‘interesting stories’...breathing and figuring out ways to just get on with it! it seems a lot less important to tell people how annoyed/freaked out/stressed i am...and much more important to just experience it. *god this is soooooo going off into hippy territory*

so ive been remembering

-the late-night  preshow rehearsal where the performer decided literally at the 11th hour that she could only do the show in Serbian and I had to have the whole script translated –and try and figure out if the jokes made it across the language barrier.

- the show where the performer turned up after being on a train all night and kept falling into a narcoleptic daze during rehearsals, forgot their lines during the show and everyone loved it cos they were trying to figure out wether she was packing or not.

-The show in Belarus where we had already been raided by the secret police and did the show in a hallway of the hotel with an impromptu simultaneous translation into Russian because so many of the audience didn’t speak English.

Talking to a mentor recently I loved what she said….she had been moaning to her partner about the hell she was having with her cast/the venue/the everything....

…his reply was 'well if you hate it so much give up and come home…youre not in the bloody trenches!'

so true.

;D ;D ;D

expecting a return to normal levels of panic fairly soon

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 05, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
June 05, 2008

ive just watched the video clip to be used in one of the performances at Transfab. voice recordings of the two women who perform together, cut together over a black and white track of beograd street scenes.

...but as i listened to the stories of two people from totally different geographic locations, two people who have never met, speaking about growing up, experiencing confusion and distress over who they were, feeling isolation and self hatred, seeing themselves and their desires as impossible.....but then both finding a way to be who they are, transitioning, finding a 'chosen' family....i started getting all teary and emotional.  :'(

must say , ive had knicker all sleep and im always a bit EMO PLUS....but yeah peoples stories are the thing that will get me every time. i can never get over how amazing people are in the things they do, the way people follow what they MUST ....even when those choices and desires are so painfully different from what they are 'told' to be by the outside world. WOW.

now i just have to find a way to make this come across to the audience - some magic with lighting, staging, timing....because this basic material of the story that has been given to me is very beautiful.

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 04, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
June 04, 2008

zen calm has now been replaced by BLIND PANIC

theres a certain kind of 'dont jinx me' voodoo to freaking out.
 ::) ;)

tho it may also be the idea of baby sitting the crew when they arrive that has brought this on. i AM tempted to take them to their first ever queer fuck club tho.!

Monday, 20 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive June 01, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
June 01, 2008

naked hysteria ;D

well despite the fact that my german performer doesn't seem to speak very good english, that my london performer is not returning phone calls or emails (where in the fuck is he??) and that it looks less than likely that the funding application that ate my brain will bring in any cash..i seem to have turned a corner.

yesterday, or the day before i started to just roll with it....I LOVE WHEN THIS HAPPENS... yep im still a bit anxious, still scared...but EXCITEMENT has taken over. now i feel as if im surfing, looking for the next wave, knowing that all manner of hell/chaos/swarms of locusts/tap dancing drag queens will break loose.....but WHAT THE HELL...its all part of the ride and im going to ENJOY it.

went to host a queer benefit party last night, it was a some how very london experience... ::) having got a text message from the organizer on the day of the gig letting me know where it was i rocked up at about 9 pm so as to have a bit of preparation time. and OH.MY.GOD...its a bad sign when the homeless guys walking past the venue warn you that its a derelict wreck!! after some one unlocks the door for me i walk through pitch darkness to a large room where people are sweeping up a litter of beer cans, the stage is several inches deep in water...and as i step through into the adjoining room i see why - most of the roof is missing and the floor is covered in huge shards of glass. i tip toe over this in my high heels and watch as some one sledge hammers a larger whole in the adjoining wall to fit the generator through - yes of course there is no electricity...also no water. when i find out there are no toilets for the evenings celebrations i bid the organizer a polite goodbye and LEAVE.

at home i ponder the joys of TEA and a comfortable bed....really i am too old and too sensible to be hanging around in dodgy squats till day break.

still enjoying the ride and adding a little more grease to the wheels  ;D ;D ;D

Sunday, 19 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive May 29, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
May 29, 2008,

today i have an odd sense of achievement or a sense of having achieved something odd...(ive been reading too much alice through the looking glass)

just sent the first draft of a script to a guy in berlin - he is coming to perform in the transfab show with the serbian crew. the weird thing is he and i have never met - we connected through a mutual friend when i was hunting for some one to play a particular part. so i have this mysterious activist/some time drag king...class politiks/against borders guy who i have heard is the best guy in the world!!! damn it i hope so!!

we have only communicated through email and his written english is not its hard to gain a sense of how some one is...language .....damn it...why dont i speak serbia and german?

most of what we know about each other is the good reports of our shared friend. ive spent a lot of time begging her 'please tell him GOOD things about me!'

so im hoping ive guessed right about the way he sees his gender, ...because theres stuff in the script that talks about that and i dont want to come across as a bastard! and im also hoping that this balancing act will all be JUST FINE.

this is the weirdest long distance relationship ive ever had.

oh no actually the javanese skater punk anarchist guy who i also never met...THAT was the wierdest one.

and now ive got the soundtrack stuck in my head....... (

Saturday, 18 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive May 29, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
May 29, 2008, 

i dont know how i survived work today....or how they survived me.

spent most of the day answering enquiries from the serbia crew - 'no we havent decided on the final music for that yet (and yes i still hate michael buble FFS),  that bio is too crazy, yes i really do want you to remove that section of the show, no  i havent finished the rewrite yet.' miraculously i wrote most of a script for the performer coming from berlin.... sometimes i swear i get more of my own work done during *ahem* working hours than when i am on my own time at home.... ::)
(yes i am a bad employee).

got sent a youtube link by some one who knows how i wrangle with body to deal with the bits that are physically there that i dont like or dont believe really exist, how to get my head around the bits that i know exist but dont seem to be visibly there....cunt/cock/cunt/cock/cunt/cock...

so the video featured  julia serano talking about cock...she is so damn cool, totally refreshing to hear some one say so much 'forbidden' stuff. some of the time i felt myself cringing as there are part so f this that i go 'argh thats so american' but then in other parts i was thinking 'wow you are fucking amazing'


still have a script cut up in scripts across the living room floor, but hell today is a much better day.

Friday, 17 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive May 27, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
May 27, 2008,


i think we just got turned down by the funding organization....except their wording was so wishy washy....'our freedom of movement at this time as far as funding is concerned is very limited' i cant really tell.

it makes me laugh when people use the phrase 'freedom of movement' and most likely they have EXACTLY that.... have ZERO idea of what it is like for people who deal with borders and visas everyday.

im pissed off....pissed off at the amount of time i spent jumping through beuracratic hoops, answering dumb questions and wracking my brains to explain what im doing in their terms..... when i could have been doing real work.

oh well theres a script cut up in strips on my floor that im trying to 'jig saw puzzle' together to make a workable piece out of. transfab have come up with the cash for visas, travel and accomodation for the crew from serbia so its still all on....but im damn frustrated about doing stuff on the lean side yet again.

fuck fuck fuck

Thursday, 16 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive May 23, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
May 23, 2008

ok having calmed down significantly after the above outburst

today i was completely outraged when one of my performers suggested using a 'michael buble' song as the soundtrack for her piece. yes i admit 'outrage' is probably a rather strong response...but im premenstrual as hell and FFS MY MOTHER has a michael buble CD...she requested it as a christmas gift some years back (which i suppose is probably M.B's big market...mums xmas pressies) and she LOVES i made it through the first 15-20 seconds of the guy MURDERING Nina Simones beautiful 'feeling good' and then started hunting for a cigarrette lighter and a can of petrol.

so yes...its been a day of 'creative differences'.  perhaps one day i will be a calmer, more peaceful, 'zen' sort of person.......who knows  ::)

m i c h a e l    b u b l e ............seriously!!!

Wednesday, 15 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive May 19, 2008 - on being a gender queer femme

stone femme shoes archive
May 19, 2008 - on being a gender queer femme

what a day.........

in some ways it has reminded me that when ever i think i am the only one, when ever i think i am isolated in my experience.... that can NEVER be true.

ive been struggling lately with issues around my gender and sexuality. lately a lot of stuff around being stone/how i experience my body/how i think of my gender/how this relates to my sexuality....have come to the fore. its been PAINFUL...a lot of old hurt has come to the surface.

often ive had the feeling of being unable to speak about it, i tell myself there is no place to be heard, no one who will understand what i say. but my experience of speaking those things is so different from what my head tells me.

i think of another gender queer femme i know - who said to me 'before i met you i thought i was the only one'....and the irony that today when all through the day i felt close to tears and broken - some one rang me to do an interview.....and asked me the question 'so how would you describe your gender'.

and of course i managed to give a good sound bite on how im a 'bio' girl, who i looks so passing but that NONE OF THAT means ANYTHING about how i feel about my gender.

i have to laugh

...and i just spent an hour talking to a friend and crying and crying and crying.

i might write some more about this stuff later.

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive May 16, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
May 16, 2008


...ok so that tacky title was probably influenced by the closeness of eurovision in belgrade next weekend. people might be interested to know that there has been a bit of a furor around the possibility of an 'influx' of gay people into the city to attend the event.

(and the possibility of fascists organizing to kick their arses)

also AAARGHHH...its only ONE MONTH to go till transfabulous and the show that the serbian crew  - QUEER BEOGRAD COLLECTIVE- are coming here to do. so yes im up to my knickers in work work work (that makes it sound vaguely fun)...which i guess it is...except i keep falling into panic over things that 'might go wrong' and just plain falling over...from exhaustion.

oh AND the queer beograd website  will be updated SOON with details of our own festival coming up in september...urm...that soon as i write the stuff.  ::)

Monday, 13 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive May 14, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
May 14, 2008, 


back in london and juggling between the day job and getting the crew from beograd here for transfabulous.

the visa process is making me nervous...yesterday it took them and hour and a half to fill out the forms and then the appointment at the embassy is not until next week.
the stupid form contains this question 'Have you engaged in any other activities that might indicate that you may not be considered a person of good character?'  ::) seriously!

in the meantime i feel like there are a million and one things going on for me personally...ive tried to start writing about them to post in this thread but i seem to be swept up in scripts, work and more work.

REALLY EXCITED about the serbian crew making it here  yeeeeey!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, 12 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive May 10, 2008,

stone femme shoes archive
May 10, 2008,  

some of the post below refers to the queer sex club 'klub fukk' where I worked as a host for several years.

too weird, i cant believe ive been back in london only 3 days! it feels like a lifetime.
the first thing i think when i get back here is 'oh my god its sooooo quiet' - yeah im talking about london! but thats how it feels to me - looking out the window of my luxurious council estate flat .....well HELL its not too bad out there...very English country garden. (in a hackney style)

ive spent the last few days writing, fighting and having sex  ::) oh yeah welcome home. ;D

went to Klub Fukk last night...and this is the sort of space that my serbian friends would not believe. sometimes i find it a bit hard to believe! i grew up in a very 'sex negative' environment (who didnt). So theres something about this dingy room full of the weirdest mix of people...getting it on and getting it off that makes me smile. i NEED spaces like this.
yeah i work there....basically saying HI! behaving as disgracefully as possibly and marauding any one who dosnt understand the concept of 'personal space'. but i also see this as is so important to who i am, its been a tough fight to get to the point of coming out as a raving queer femme dyke pervert so yeah sometimes the sight of people taking off their clothes, shagging up against walls and cruising each other SHAMELESSLY makes me go all squishy and emotional. is it just me or is there anyone else out there who just wants people to have great sex and feel GOOD about how sexy they are. cos ive had such a shit time with this myself i really really want other people to have the freedom that on a good day im bouncing with. body shame sexual guilt and fear are such head fuckers.
i guess im really one of those people who believes in putting the bedroom back into politics!

Saturday, 11 June 2016

stone femme shoes Archive May 05, 2008
stone femme shoes Archive
May 05, 2008

funny sort of a day today, it started out with a general panic on my part about how much work there is to do - at the moment it feels like every task i do generates another five in its place.
but yeah after a day of 'looking after details' things seem a bit better.

first off we went to the British embassy to see about the visa applications for the crew. the public entrance part of the embassy was a WRECK, all of the windows have been smashed and are now protected by heavy iron grills - a result of the rioting in February when Kosovo declared independence. a lot of embassies were targeted at that time with the American and Slovenian embassy were both burned down. anyway the visa stuff for the UK seems less complicated than for most countries so we will keep our fingers crossed. then we went to book flights.
as soon as this stuff is sorted i will be sleeping a little better.

interestingly today we went and bought testosterone over the counter! the equivalent of sustanon 250 - just went into the pharmacy and said 'can i buy some testosterone' its about 1 euro per vial. i also spent some time discussing the costs/process of surgery here with friends who help people to find surgeons . it seem quite a lot cheaper than in the UK.

more conversations with people about their performances, script ideas, discussing stories and in the end i didn't get much writing done, but the whole thing is looking a lot more solid than it was when i got here. i suppose i have to start packing soon (on of my pet hates) as i fly back to London tomorrow. for some one who travels so much (or perhaps because of this) i have a pretty ambivalent relationship with travel...but then who the hell enjoys airports??

feeling very much in an in between between countries, sets of friends, in the midst of this project which still has so much remaining to be done.  but yeah much more positive about being able to pull it off. tho im still aware that we have a long way to go and i need to put some serious consideration into how to stay SANE over the next month in the lead up to transfabulous! living my dreams...never quite figured how much hard work it would be. but yeah lifes ok today.

Friday, 10 June 2016

stone femme shoes Archive May 04, 2008

stone femme shoes
May 04, 2008


yesterday after feeling so rubbish i decided it was time for some serious escapism!
so i went to the hairdresser and tried as hard as possible NOT to think about ANYTHING.

the place i go to is called 'pretty woman' honestly the binary gender divide operating in beograd has to be seen to be believed, the salon is full of woman having their having done in some sort of cross between farrah fawcett majors and claudia schiffer...flicks, ringlets, a lot of blow drying and PRODUCT...we are talking BIG HAIR and the entire time these women carry on yakking on their mobile phones even while having their hair washed.

so yes i go in deep...reading a womens magazines called 'scandal' and leafing through the books full of models with pissed off expressions and hair that explains why.

my hairdresser doesnt want to speak in english,  iv'e been coming to this place for a few years, she speaks english, but at the same time feels unconfident with that we communicate in translation through my mate who often stares blankly at me when i describe a particular styling.

while god knows what is being done to my hair my mate is reading the latest expose on eurovision winner maria sharifovic....'maria tells all about her sexuality' .... in the article maria 'comes out' as STRAIGHT...and reveals she is seeing 'a younger man who prefers to keep his identity secret.' everyone knows she is gay...but yeah in a country where a recent study showed that %70 of the population regard homosexuality as a mental illness and %80 percent believe it shouldn't be seen in public..i guess there is some incentive to stay in the closet.

my hairdresser laughs and tells my mate (who translates) 'pah! she is straight?!...she used to date one of the girls who worked here!'   ;D

my mate did try to kick off some sort of discussion about judith butler...but i cut them short! everybody needs a little time out now and again.

Thursday, 9 June 2016

stone femme shoes Archive May 03, 2008

stone femme shoes
May 03, 2008

hmmm....i cant believe how much of a miserable bastard i am today  :-\ but yeah it homesick.

yesterday in the streets was just plain depressing, kids begging in the streets, old women with babies begging in the streets, people sitting on the street selling what ever it is they have found in the trash ...yeah it was just one of those grey days.
of course these things happen everyday...but i was less than 'up', tired of having every interaction with the outside world in a language i barely understand, tierd of how weird i can feel navigating this city because as a stupid westerner i dont 'read' a lot of what is going on around me so sometimes i feel less safe.....hackney where i live is not paradise, but i understand more of what is going on around me. blues

still it was nice riding the tram through the old city last night - the neighbourhood of dorcol, the road down from kalamegdan park to the wharves, then to the railway station....watching the lights of the city, the crumbling buildings, the river sava.

4 more days and im back in london........PHEW

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

stone femme shoes archive May 01, 2008

stone femme shoes
May 01, 2008

i just slept for something like 10 it was getting to the point where something was going to fall apart (most likely me). this morning i feel a bit better, slightly PANICING that there is still so much work to do, but at the same time im able to see a lot has been done in the last few days. i dont know how to get over the feeling that i am slacking, fooling around, being a bit LAZY....there is always more stuff to do than i find physically or emotionally possible  :-\ so yeah...this is not an unfamiliar place for me to be - caught in between my own exhaustion and a stack of tasks.

news flash news flash news flash

well actually a bit of a slow moving 'news flash' due to my own lack of time to write here

the german ambassador for foreign affairs intervened and our friend here WAS granted a visa to attend the trans council in berlin.
i caught up with her just before she was due to leave....a crazy high speed meeting including modifying scripts, talking about film and sound recordings that need to be done for the transfab show and staging ideas for the collaborative piece that she will do with miss dotty.

i get a bit stressed with these meetings as often im talking to people i may have met once, or perhaps have only had email contact with..yet here i am trying to instill them with a sort of confidence in me and the project so that they will TRUST me and feel happy about telling very personal stories.

A is GREAT tho...she has already put so much work into developing the script via emails, its easy to work with her because she wants to do this so much. still im always aware of how nervous i am, how nervous the other person is! this is the second time we have had a meeting with just the two of us.
im excited about this piece tho...having two transwomen who live in totally different countries/cultures tell their stories alongside each other.
miss dotty will choreograph their dance together......of course they will only meet 3 days before the show but hey..IT WILL BE FINE. *practices breathing exercises*

after falling over and NOT getting very much sleep i go to meet two more activists who will come to london and perform in the transfab show.
(well actually i havent quite successfully convinced one of them yet)
one is my 'Diva' a highly strung man with a deep affection for louisa hay. he is a great drag queen.... i already have scripts sorted out for him - i trust him - i KNOW he will get incredibly nervous, sweat, panic....but he WILL go out there and do a beautiful show (at least i hope so) as in the past he always has.
my other guy...hmmm..well he is very shy, some one who has worked so damn hard as an activist for trans people in this country for the last 12 years, at the same time dealing with abuse and violence because of who he is. currently he is bringing together the serbian trans support group - they have been meeting for about a year and a half now. 12 people come regularly to the group, some are connected via phone or online, so in all there are about 23 people. he is also helping to start a group in sarajevo very soon.
i explain to him that if he comes to london its very important that he lets people know this story!! that he doesnt just hide in the corners and not say anything about the AMAZING work he is doing. i think we reach an going to have to keep working on this one over the next few weeks. but spending time with both of them is great, when i arrived i was completely drained - not sure how to survive the meeting- when i left i was in a totally different mood  :D as i got such a recharge from their energy  ;D

its may 1st today (duh, i guess you know that) but being in this post communist country there is more of a history of celebrating workers day. today is a public holiday - and later i will meet my friend and we will take part in a demonstration with the local crew.

right now  im sitting ALONE in the apartment  ;D, just had a second cup of tea (you have no idea how hard it is to get a decent cup of tea around here) and im thinking to get on with the day. scripts, scripts, scripts.

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

stone femme shoes - archive April 29, 2008

stone femme shoes archive
April 29, 2008,

yesterday we had our first big collective meeting, these meetings always make me VERY nervous, there have been some incredible fights in the past. im glad to report that the entire two hours passed without anyone being shot, stabbed or death threats being issued.  ;)

before the meeting started i looked around the room  - seeing our group - and just feeling incredibly happy at what an amazing bunch of people they are. STRONG sometimes volatile personalities...but yeah i feel privileged to know all of them.
some journalist was present - often there are people who come through beograd doing studies or writing articles- this was kind of funny as afterwards she mentioned that she had been warned that the meeting might be quite heated...and instead thought we were highly organised. LOL.

in the meeting we spent a fair bit of time debating on the idea of doing a public action safe it is to do something visibly queer in the streets here?.
its a longtime since the attempt at a first gay pride in 2001... ( <-----warning this video is extremely violent
still no one has managed another successful attempt, we also will NOT try this...but how to do ANYTHING that is about claiming public space??

ive just had coffee with one of the activists/performers who will come to transfabulous and be part of the show we do there. he's an amazing guy, really inspiring, he works as a forensic scientist doing identification of the human remains from the mass graves of srebrenica. (
meeting him calmed my nerves about the insane people wrangling skills involved in this project and trying to collaborate on scripts with people here while i am in london. he is just so chilled out and it turns out he has a history as a performer first as a kid doing shakespeare and then as part of the DC kings.
we talked about ideas for his piece - how to approach the subject of the srebrenica massacre without being either sensationalist or conversely tip-toeing around the subject ...again he is calm, pragmatic....again filled with confidence and so glad that he is part of this crew.

today i feel LUCKY...a bit emotional and tired but yeah mostly lucky.  :)

Monday, 6 June 2016

stone femme shoes April 25, 2008, A Long time ago I started to keep a semi-private diary

A Long time ago I started to keep a semi-private diary on a now defunct site called 'Transfriendly' the blog titled in a bitterly ironic way 'Stone Femme Shoes' contains a lot of material on my creative work with Queer Beograd, my thoughts on Femme and gender, plus other issues of illness/a/relationships/queerness. I stopped keeping the blog in 2015,  I'm going to start retrospectively publishing some of this material online. Here Goes!

stone femme shoes
April 25, 2008,

this is a first time for the online journal thing for me. no apologies for spelling or anything else.

ive been thinking about doing this for a while, maybe its somewhere to put a bit of that internal chat..all the stuff that happens that is related to gender/life/craziness....and maybe there is a chance that some one else might read it and understand it.
if you do cool! if you don't....unless its  politely phrased i dont want to know.

ive just arrived in Beograd - Serbia, another organizing trip with the queer crew i'm part of here. i feel absolutely hammered as ive been traveling since 6am, got to experience the remarkably swish 'London city airport' and can currently hear a conversation behind me (in serbian) i can catch the odd word or two but the only thing i can clearly understand is the oft repeated phrase 'gay porn'.

as usual before coming here ive been dreaming of getting out of london, as usual when arriving here im freaked out by the difference of culture, the poverty, the crazy political situation....and im ALWAYS on edge about what kind of war will break out in our collectives some what volatile group dynamic.

ive spent a few hours catching up with my best mate who im staying with, who's doing what, who's doing who....and talking work work work. its orthodox easter this weekend so the city shuts down and we may get a chance to rest before the onslaught of organizing our next queer festival and the crews trip to Transfabulous in June.

i keep worrying about HOW MUCH WORK THERE IS TO DO but im so tired i cant think we're going for a walk to get icecream- its warm here!  :D